The Evil Dead Musical
by Shinigami-cat
Summary: Another inappropriate high school musical directed by the Yaoi club/drama club president, Elizaveta and the vice president Kiku… How the hell did this happen? Baised off the Evil dead musical... yeah, it's actually a musical... Contains stuff from The Evil Dead 1 and 2. Hope you all like it! XD
1. The Cast List

**Shinigami-cat: **… I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore… I OWN NOTHING!

**Summary:**

**Another inappropriate high school musical directed by the Yaoi club/drama club president, Elizaveta and the vice president Kiku… How the hell did this**

**Warning:**

**Dude… the whole plot is based off a horror movie called the evil dead… You should know what to expect… It gets pretty freaky and messed up.**

**The Evil Dead Musical**

**The Cast List**

_Hey everyone! This is a notice from your drama club president! The Auditions were awesome this year and here's the cast list. I hope no one is too upset with how things turned out, we tried to make things as fair as possible. Please be kind and support us in any way you can!_

_Ash Williams- Alfred F Jones_

_Linda- Arthur Kirkland_

_Scott- Gilbert Beilschmidt_

_Shelly- Francis Bonnefoy_

_Cheryl Williams- Matthew Williams_

_Annie Knowby- Tino __Väinämöinen_

_Ed Getley- Feliciano Vargas_

_Jake- Scott Kirkland_

_Professor Raymond Knowby- __Lukas Bondevik_

_Evil Trees- Matthias Denson, Ivan Braginsky, Lars Govert._

_Hope you all have a lot of fun and come by the dram room after school to pick up your scripts. We will be rehearsing after school on Monday's, Wednesday's and Saturday. Call ahead if you can't make some days. Also, some of the names will be changed so that you don't have to dress in dresses… I know the school will let us do this musical, but they won't let us put boys in dresses…_

_If any of you try to get out of this I will hunt you down with my frying pan. Have a good day. This has been a friendly warning from the drama club president Elizaveta and vice president Kiku._

**TBC**

**Shinigami-cat: ** So I hope you all like this and want me to continue it and I'm sorry if I got some last names wrong… Please review!


	2. Cabin in the Woods

**Shinigami-cat: **Hey everyone! So I'm still going with this. Just to let you know this musical is a spoof of all horror movies so you'll see the stereotypical love couple, the douchebag best friend and the siblings that turn against each other… I OWN NOTHING!

**Cabin in the Woods**

Everyone had been practicing the musical for weeks now and were very pleased with how everything went. Tonight was the night of the show. With everyone settled in their seats, and the lights out the musical started.

A spotlight settled over a leather book. It looked like it had a face on it, pulled and stretched into a horrified expression of pain and suffering. Creepy music began to play as it seemingly opened by itself and a woman's voice started to speak.

"Legend has it that it was written by the dark ones. Necranomicon Exmortis, roughly translated, Book of the Dead. The book served as a passage way to the evil worlds beyond. It was written long ago when the seas ran red with blood.  
It was this blood that was used to ink the book. In the year 1300 A.D. the book disappeared…"

Everything went dark again. Suddenly some very upbeat music began to play and the lights came on again. Five people were grinning like idiots as the pretended to be driving in a crappy cardboard cut-out car. They all started to sing.

"_We're all jammed in the car  
And we're going really far  
Driving deep into the trees  
With hot dogs, chips and cheese._"_  
_

The two in the front of the car high fived.

"_To make the week go quicker  
We've packed a ton of liquor  
Rye and Tropicana  
We'll go totally BANANAS!_"

Everyone in the back seat cheered like morons.

"_Spring break vacation is just  
bling bling  
'Cause something in this musky air  
makes us want to sing_"_  
_

As they pretended to drive along some 'trees' appeared and did a stupid little dance behind them.

"_Cabin in the woods (oooh)  
A cabin in the woods (yeah)  
We're five college students on  
our way to an old abandoned cabin  
in the woods (oooh yeah)_"

Four of them jumped out of the crappy cardboard car while one of the backed it off the stage. One of the people took centre stage. He hard blue eyes and blond hair. He just had this heroic air about him. "Well guys after three hours I can officially say we are here."

"I don't see any cabin." Said one of the blonds.

"That's because it's in the woods." Said the heroic blond. "This is just as far as the road goes. To get there we have to cross this footbridge. It's the only way to the cabin… The ONLY way."

A blond with thick eyebrows and green eyes tapped the heroic blond on the shoulder. "Hey Alfred, as much as I love working with you every day at S-mart I'm think this vacation will be even better."

Alfred grinned and wrapped his arm around the smaller blond. "I couldn't agree more Arthur. I think it's healthy for two boyfriends to leave their place of employment and have fun at a non S-mart related function." Arthur nodded and walked across the footbridge.

A blond that looked similar to Alfred walked over to him and smiled. "Thanks for bringing me along big brother."

Alfred grinned and patted the blond on the back. "Please Matthew. It just wouldn't be spring break vacation if I didn't drag along my only brother." He directed Matthew over to the footbridge.

The albino and the last blond of the group walked over to Alfred. The blond was the first to speak. "Thanks for taking me on this trip." He said.

"No problem Francis." Said Alfred. "If your good enough for Gilbert to pick up drunk at a bar at three days ago, you're good enough for me to spend my only vacation of the year with." Francis laughed and walked across the bridge.

This left Gilbert and Alfred. Gilbert grinned and slapped Alfred's back. "Man, this cabin deal better get me laid!"

"I'm sure it will." Said Alfred. "I'm sure it will."

Gilbert suddenly ran onto the bridge. "Hey! Wait up for me! Shit!"

Alfred chuckled a little. And walked over the bridge.

"_All my friends are here  
For the best spring break of the year  
Away from school and from S-Mart  
A week way off the charts._"

Suddenly Arthur popped up again.

"_A holiday with Al  
All that I'd ever ask  
He's so cute and thin  
And that's why  
I love him._"

Gilbert appeared behind Arthur, pulling Francis along.

"_This will be just like camp  
But with a slutty tramp  
In a few hours you will see me  
Doing the nasty in a tree._"

Francis grinned stupidly and flicked his hair.

"_Gil's looking to get busy  
But fresh air makes me dizzy  
I'm so his perfect guy  
Oh, look, there goes a squirrel!_"

Matthew smiled sheepishly as he sang his bit.

"_A week up in the woods of  
pure tranquillity  
A chance for me to rest in a  
nice facility  
I came up to this cabin to read  
and sleep and bake_"

Suddenly Gilbert ran up to him and grabbed Matthew's ass.

"_Hope our headboard rattling' don't  
keep your prude ass awake!_"

Alfred quickly walked over to Gilbert and pulled him away from his brother, shaking his head in a warning way. They all started singing again.

"_Cabin in the woods (oooh)  
A cabin in the woods (yeah)  
We're five college students on  
our way to an old abandoned cabin  
in the woods (oooh yeah)_"_  
_

"So Al, what's this place like?" Asked Arthur curiously as he adjusted his backpack.

"It's an old place." Said Alfred. "It's a little run down and it's right up in the mountains, but the best part is it's free."

"Why are we staying there for free?" Asked Francis.

"Yeah, landlords don't rent cabins for free." Said Matthew.

Gilbert rolled his eyes. "No landlords rent cabins for free. That's why we're not renting it."

"What?" Cried Arthur.

"Well… I forgot to mention we're not renting it." Muttered Alfred.

"We're breaking in!" Cheered Gilbert.

"NO!" Gasped Matthew in shock.

"Don't worry." Said Alfred reassuringly. "No one will find out. At this time of the year the owners won't be there."

"You mean we're breaking into an old cabin in the middle of the woods?" Asked Francis. "I don't like the sound of that…"

"What's the worst that could possibly happen?" Asked Gilbert. "Five college student breaking into an old abandoned cabin in the woods, where nobody knows where we are?"

"Well when you put it that way…" Mused Francis to himself.

_"This trip will be wacky fun!_" Sang Alfred.__

"_Seven days to snuggle my honey bun._" Sang Arthur.__

"_A week of drinking._" Sang Francis with a grin.__

Gilbert wrapped his arms around Francis's waits. "_And premarital sex!_"__

"_And tonight I'll make some snacks out of Hershey bars and Chex._" Sang Matthew quietly before the group started to sing together as a whole._  
_  
"_Listen to us now and make no mistake  
We're gonna have fun 'cause it's  
spring break  
We'll pour, we'll score, we'll fall  
flat on the floor  
We'll do all this and a whole lot more  
- in our_

Cabin in the woods (oooh)  
Cabin in the woods (yeah)

We're five college students on our  
way to an old abandoned  
cabin in the woods

Yeah (yeah)

We're five college students on our  
way to an old abandoned  
cabin in the woods

Cabin in the woods  
Cabin in the woods

We're five college students on our  
way to an old abandoned...

Cabin in the woods!"

The group quickly struck a pose as the lights went dark, plunging the theatre into darkness. After a few seconds the lights came back on and the set had changed to look like a cabin in the woods. The group walked back onto the stage. Francis, Arthur and Matthew were looking around in amazement, Gilbert went straight to the fridge to raid the alcohol and Alfred just stood triumphantly in the middle of the cabin.

"Well here we are… Our cabin in the woods." Said Alfred happily. "Isn't it great?"

"_**JOIN US!" **_

"… Did you guys here something?" Asked Francis.

"Nope." Said Gilbert as he turned on the lights and walked off to check out the bedrooms.

Arthur sighed happily. "Look at this place… Alfred it's fantastic."

"It sure is Arthur." Said Alfred.

"Oh windows!" Said Francis happily as he skipped over to the windows and ran his hand along them like the dumb, stereotypical blond he was. "Fancy."

Suddenly Gilbert ran back onto the stage with a grin. "You guys should check out the bedrooms! They're fucking awesome! Francis and I called the one with the big bed."

Francis grinned and quickly walked over to Gilbert. "Good thinking Gilbert."

Gilbert grinned and wrapped his arm around the blonds waits. "Well when I'm with your Francis, one of us has to do the thinking."

"Guys… I feel funny about this." Said Matthew softly. "What if the owners come back?"

"They are not going to come back." Said Alfred. "Even if they did we'll tell them that the car broke down or something."

"With your ride they'll believe it." Snorted Arthur.

"Yeah Matthew." Jeered Gilbert. "Why don't you just read or something?"

Matthew pouted. "Maybe I will." He pulled Fifty shades of grey out of his bag and stomped over a chair to read.

"What's his problem?" Asked Gilbert.

"Yeah." Said Francis. "He thinks he's so smart, just because he can read and stuff."

Alfred sighed. "This is the life. The most important people in my life here together." He wrapped his arm around Arthur's shoulders. "My boyfriend, my bro, my best friend and you Francis, who I only just met… But I couldn't think of four other people in the world I would rather be spending my vacation with… I would very much like to make a toast."

Everyone gathered around the fridge as Alfred poured drinks out and handed them out. One for Arthur, one for Gilbert, one for Francis, one for him and a water of Matthew.

"As a friend of mine once said; Oh nes nes tow tow tariene." Said Alfred happily.

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Which means?"

"Party down!" Cheered Gilbert as he drank.

Suddenly there was a huge crash that came from the basement. The sound made everyone jump. "What was that?" Asked Alfred. Gilbert frowned and walked over to the trapdoor down the front of the stage.

"Whatever it was it's down there…" Muttered Arthur.

Everyone walked over to the trap door. Gilbert opened it. " I don't like cellars." Said Matthew quickly. "Let's just close it up. It's probably just an animal."

Gilbert looked at Matthew like he was stupid. "An animal. An animal. Hahahaha. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of, Jesus Christ, what a stupid bitch."

Matthew pouted. "Well, then maybe it was the wind."

Gilbert s rolled his eyes. "The wind? We are inside! I though what you said before was stupid but now that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What a stupid bitch!"

"Well there is clearly something down there." Said Arthur. "And it's probably just an animal…" He chuckled a little. "Hey Al, remember the time we hit a raccoon in the basement of S-Mart?"

Alfred chuckled. "Remember? I was the one that used a broomstick, a laundry basket and a sweeper to get rid of it. But don't worry loyal S-Mart customers! We got rid of the animal and once again S-Mart was rodent free!" Alfred and Arthur high-fived.

"Yeah." Said Gilbert. "You guys are probably right. It's probably just an animal… Come on Matthew, why don't you go down there and check?" He grabbed Matthew by the waist.

"STOP!" Shrieked Matthew. "I AM NOT GOING DOWN THERE!"

Gilbert dropped Matthew and started laughing. "You stupid bitch!"

Alfred rolled his eyes. "Come on Gilbert. Let's go see what it was." He jumped down the trapdoor, closely followed by Gilbert.

"Okay, okay." Said the albino. "Looks like it's a job for the guys with the big balls!"

"Be careful!" Called Francis.

Francis, Arthur and Matthew stood over the trapdoor looking down. A few minutes had passed and they were starting to get worried. "Alfred?" Called Arthur. "Gilbert? Did you guys find anything? Gilbert? Alfred?"

There was an awkward silence. "They are just kidding around right?" Asked Francis.

"Stop screwing around!" Called Matthew. "Are you guys okay? Alfred?"

"Gilbert!" Called Francis.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAlfreeeeeeeeeee eed!" Called Arthur.

"BOO!" Yelled Gilbert as he jumped up, scaring the crap out of the trio. Gilbert just laughed and pulled himself out of the trapdoor. "You dumb assholes! Goddamn! Bunch of pansies!"

Alfred poked his head out of the trap door and grinned. "Found a lot of cool stuff down there! Help me out Gilbert." He passed up a large axe and a gun.

Gilbert grinned and passed the axe to Arthur and the gun to Francis. "Cool stuff."

"Yeah, I bet the gun still shoots too." Said Alfred. Gilbert quickly pointed the barrel of the gun away from Francis's face. Alfred passed up an old dagger.

"Awesome!" Grinned Gilbert. He sliced the air. "Do you sell these at S-Mart?"

"Ancient daggers?" Asked Alfred. "No." He pulled himself out of the trapdoor and closed it. He was holding an old book and some kind of tape recorder.

"What have you got there Alfred?" Asked Arthur.

"An old book…" Muttered Alfred. He opened up its cracked pages and frowned. "It's not even in American."

"We shouldn't be touching this stuff." Said Matthew. "It's not ours."

Gilbert rolled his eyes and put on a whiny voice. "We shouldn't be touching it it's not ours. Shut your pie hole Matthew. Goddamn you're always trying to ruin our fun. Let's have a look at that tape recorder. There might be something on it."

Everyone apart from Matthew agreed and decided to sit down and listen to the tape.

**TBC**

**Shinigami-cat: **Well… that was the first part of the thing… hope you all like it so far.


	3. It Won't Let Us Leave

**Shinigami-cat: **Well here's the next part. Get ready for random tree rape time… I OWN NOTHING!

**It Won't Let Us Leave**

So Alfred, Arthur, Francis and Gilbert sat around in a circle around the tape. Matthew on the other hand sat off to the side. He didn't want anything to do with the tape. Gilbert hit the play button. It sounded like some old Norwegian guy was talking.

"Professor Raymond Knowby, department of Ancient history, log entry number two. I believe I have made a significant find in the castle of Camdar, having travelled there with my son, Tino and associate professor Feliciano Vargas. It was in the rear chamber of the castle where we stumbled on something interesting. The Necranomicon Exmortis."

Alfred grinned and held up the weird book. "Must be this thing."

The tape continued. "Roughly translated, the book of the dead. The book is bound in human skin and inked in human blood."

Alfred dropped the book. "Who wants to have a look first?"

"I brought this book to the cabin I could study it undisturbed. It was here I began translations. The book speaks of a spiritual presence, a thing of evil that roamed the forests and the dark bowels of man's domain… It is through recitation of the books passages that this… dark spirit is given licence to inhabit the living world. Included here are the phonetic pronunciations of those passages; Oonda phomantose manotose inbrets. Ondapamanda amantose canda,-"

"Shut it off!" Snapped Matthew.

"CANDA!"

"SHUT IT OFF!" Shrieked Matthew at the top of his lungs. Suddenly a tree branch fell through the window causing Matthew to shriek again and run off stage.

Arthur got up and ran after the hysteric blond. "Matthew! It was just the wind! Gil you're a bloody git."

Alfred glared at the albino. "Why did you keep playing it? You saw how scared Matthew was getting. You just don't know when you're taking something too far."

Gilbert rolled his eyes. "It was just a joke. Jesus Christ we were only screwing around."

"Still, you scared him half to death." Said Alfred.

Gilbert stood up and glared at Alfred. "So the wind blew a tree through the window. Oh, really scary! No one around here knows how to have any fun!" He helped Francis to his feet and grinned. "Come on Francis, let's scare Matthew some more by making the windows in our bedroom rattle." Francis gave him a confused look. "And when I say make the windows rattle, I don't mean unstable weather patterns. I mean We'll be having sex!"

"Okay Gilbert!" Said Francis happily as Gilbert directed him off stage.

Alfred sighed and started to pack everything away. He put the Necranomicon, dagger and axe on the table. He them moved the gun next to the fridge. He dusted his hands off and sighed a little. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. He opened it and quickly looked inside before putting it back into his pocket.

Arthur walked back onto the stage. "Is Matthew okay Arthur?" Asked Alfred.

Arthur shrugged a little. "Yeah Al, he's fine. Just a little shaken up by that tape."

"Well… That's my brother for you." Said Alfred. "Always running scared from old audio recordings…" He sat down near the window and sighed.

Arthur smiled a little and walked over to him. "Hey Alfred… I know Matthew's been freaking out and everything but it was still really nice of you to bring him along."

Alfred gave Arthur a weird look. "You were the one that talked me into it."

"Yeah, I know." Said Arthur. He walked over to Alfred and sat next to him. "But you're still kind, sweat, generous person… Matthew's lucky to have you."

Alfred smiled a little and held Arthur's hand. "Let's forget about Matthew. We're here in this cabin alone… This should be time for us."

Arthur blushed a little. "You're right. It is pretty romantic up here."

Alfred grinned and got up. "What do you say we go have some champagne baby? I mean I'm a man and you're a man…" He walked over and grabbed the champagne bottle and two glasses. He put it down on the table and smiled sheepishly at Arthur. "I have something else for you too…" He reached into his pocket and took out the small box. "What do you think?"

Arthur blushed and took the necklace out of the box. "Oh Alfred… It's amazing. Would you help me put it on?"

Alfred nodded and helped attach the necklace. "I would have given it to you earlier but things became so hectic."

"Oh Alfred… It's beautiful." Said Arthur. "I'll never take it of… For as LONG and I LIVE. Who would have thought when I took that job at S-Mart that I would meet the man of my dreams…"

"Well, I didn't think I would fall for one of my co-workers either." Said Alfred. "Nothing about that in the S-Mart employee manual…" A piano started playing and the house lights went dim as the big romantic number started to play.

"_Little did I know that day  
When I dropped off my resume  
At the local S-Mart store  
That another employee I'd fall for._"Arthur smiled and started deeply into Alfred's eyes.

"_My job was in the checkout aisle  
S-Mart service with a smile  
I hated work, it was a bore  
But all that changed when you walked through the door._" Alfred grinned and stood up, arm stretched out to Arthur.

"_I was assigned to Aisle Three._"_  
_

Arthur stood up and took a few steps away from Alfred, arm stretched out to his.

"_And that is where you fell for me._"Alfred took one of Arthur's hands._  
_

"_A love so strong it had to be._"Arthur took Alfred's other hand.

"_Perfect retail..._"Alfred placed his hands on Arthur's waist and the pair of them stared out into the audience.

"_Harmony  
I have to ask a question to the gods above  
How were we deemed worthy of this perfect love?  
I'll ask the trees, I'll ask the sky  
I'll ask the whole wide world._"Alfred tilted Arthur's chin up so they were facing each other again.

"_How did a Housewares Employee land the perfect guy?_"Arthur smiled up at Alfred and spun out of his grip._  
_

"_How did the perfect guy land a Housewares Employee?  
I could barely focus on my checkout line  
Your polyester shirt always on my mind  
Fantasies took over my  
I'd forget to scan items and give'em for free._"Alfred stared out into the audience.

"_How could I concentrate on Housewares?  
Who cares about blenders when you're right there?  
Our roles reversed, there is no doubt  
'Cause I was the one who was checking you out._"Arthur blushed a little as he looked over to Alfred from across the stage._  
_

"_I had a major crush on you._"Alfred stared right back at Arthur.

"_When I was near you my love grew._"Arthur's blush darkened a little.

"_Finding love at work, it must have been fate._"Alfred grinned.

"_It's better than meeting on a ElimiDATE._"They both smiled as they slowly walked towards each other again.

"_I have to ask a question to the gods above  
How were we deemed worthy of this perfect love?  
I'll ask the trees, I'll ask the sky  
I'll ask the whole wide world._" Alfred joined hands with Arthur again bringing their bodies closer than they were before.

"_How did a Housewares Employee land the perfect guy?_

Arthur smiled and closed the distance even more.

"_How did the perfect guy land a Housewares Employee?_"Alfred smiled and gently caressed the side of Arthur's face.

"_Stocking the shelves  
Was all I thought would be  
But finding my true love at S-Mart  
That makes this job so groovy._"Arthur rolled his eyes a little.

"_I have to ask a question..._"They both took a deep breath and started to sing in harmony again.

"_To the gods above  
How were we deemed worthy of this perfect love?  
I'll ask the trees, I'll ask the sky  
I'll ask the whole wide world._"Alfred smiled.

"_How did a Housewares Employee land the perfect guy?_"Arthur gushed.

"_How did the perfect guy land a..._"They both looked out into the audience._  
_

"_Housewares Employee?_"

As the lights slowly went dim and Alfred wrapped his arms around Arthur's waist, spinning him around and dipping him low. "Give me some sugar baby." The two of them kissed as the lights finally went out.

After a few moments the lights came back on and Matthew was looking through the fridge. As the blond was looking through the fridge an eruption of voices boomed.

"_**JOIN US! JOIN US!"**_

Matthew jumped up and looked around. "Eh? What's that?"

"_**JOIN US! JOIN US! JOOOOOOIN US! JOIN US!"**_

Matthew gulped a little. "Hello...?"

_**"Join us... Join us..."**_

Matthew gulped a little and slowly started to shuffle towards the other side of the stage. "Now, mother always said, that whenever you hear a strange,  
frightening, and potentially life threatening chant coming from the dark woods that there's only one thing you can do..." He smiled towards the audience. "Not wake the others and go investigate it alone."

The lights went dark as Matthew walked off stage. After a few minutes the lights came back on. The set had been changed to look like a dark forest in the middle of the night. There were three people badly dressed as trees standing around the fake trees.

"Hello?" Called Matthew. "Is there anybody out here? All I see are these trees..."

Slowly the trees started to creep forwards. _**"Join us."**_

Matthew gulped as he slowly walked across the stage. "Hello?"

The trees got closer. _**"Join us!"**_

"I heard you! I heard you before!" Snapped Matthew in a nervous voice.

The trees moved closer making several provocative gestures. _**"Join Us!"**_

"I know someone is out here!" Snapped Matthew

The trees pounced on Matthew grabbing his arms. _**"JOIN US!"**_

Matthew shrieked as the trees forced Matthew to bend forwards making it look like they were screwing him from both ends. One of the trees was filming everything on the phone he happened to have. The lights started to fade out.

_**"JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US JOIN US!" **_ Chanted the trees over and over again. _**"JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US!"**_

The only thing louder than the trees was Matthew's shrieks. "NO! OH GOD NO! NO! NO! YES! YES! YES! I MEAN NO! NO! NO! AAAAHHHHHHH!"

Eventually the screams died down and everything went silent. When the lights came back on the set was changed back to the cabin. Francis, Alfred, Arthur and Gilbert were sitting on the floor eating chips silently.

Suddenly the sound of Matthew screaming and pounding on the door echoed through the cabin. "LET ME IN ALFRED!" He shrieked. "LET ME IN! PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR! PLEASE! PLEASE! LET ME IN ALFRED!"

Alfred ran to the door and opened it up. Matthew ran into Alfred's arms screaming and crying. His clothes were ripped and torn in several places. "Holy shit! What the hell happened to you?" Cried Gilbert.

"Are you okay?" Asked Alfred

Arthur got up and walked over to Matthew. "What's wrong?"

"His name's Matthew right?" Asked Francis.

"Did an animal attack you in the woods?" Asked Alfred.

Matthew shook his head. "It was the woods themselves! It's the trees, Al!" Cried Matthew. "They're alive!"

"Maybe I should take Matthew to lie down…" Suggested Arthur. He walked over to Matthew and Alfred, hands out stretched.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Yelled Matthew. He pushed himself away from Alfred and Arthur. "I want to get out of this place right now!"

"Whoa… hold on a second." Said Gilbert. "I'm not leaving here tonight. Matthew is now a really good time to be acting like a stupid bitch?"

"There's nothing out there bro." Said Alfred. "The woods don't just attack people."

"Are you going to take me into town or not?" Snapped Matthew in a rage.

"Right now?" Asked Alfred.

"YES NOW!"

Alfred sighed. "Okay fine. I'll take you into town somewhere and you can stay there. But listen to what you're saying-"

"I don't care how I sound!" Snapped Matthew. "I want to get out of this place right now!"

Alfred sighed again. "Okay, grab your backpack and we'll get going. Be back in a bit you guys."

Once again the lights faded out and the set was quickly changed back to the first set with the footbridge.

"Don't worry." Said Alfred as he walked across the set. "Soon you'll be in a nice safe hotel room. Maybe then you'll calm down."

"You believe me don't you Alfred?" Asked Matthew.

"Look it doesn't matter what I believe." Said Alfred. "I'll take you to town and leave it at that. We just need to cross the footbridge…" The bridge was broken in two. There was a sign that read 'The bridge is fucked.'

Matthew fell to his knees. "THE BRIDGE!" He whimpered and started crying.

"What happened?" Asked Alfred. "What could have destroyed the bridge? We're trapped.

Matthew shook his head.

"_Can't you see?  
Why don't you believe?  
It won't let us leave  
It won't let us leave_

Listen to me  
Why do your eyes deceive?  
Finally believe  
It won't let us leave  
It won't let us leave."

The lights went black again leaving the image of a distraught Matthew and confused Alfred on stage.

**TBC**

**Shinigami-cat: **Please note that Matthew didn't actually get raped and that every other actor here is an idiot… Please review!


	4. What the F Was That?

**Shinigami-cat: **… I regret nothing I also own nothing.

**What the F*** Was That?**

When the lights came back on the curtains were drawn and a young brunet man was standing near one side of the stage wearing nerdy clothing. The sound of aeroplanes and other airport noises were playing in the background and a woman's chipper voice played over the intercom.

"Flight 86A the hourly shuttle from Cairo has just landed in terminal one. I repeat, flight 86A the hourly shuttle from Cairo has just landed in terminal one."

A few seconds later a blond loaded up with bags appeared. "Hey Feliciano!" He said.

Feliciano beamed. "Tino, how was-"

"How was my flight?" Asked Tino. "Terrible. The inflight movie was Twilight. That was so poorly directed." As he talked he started to pile Feliciano up with all the things he was carrying. "But let me tell you about my expedition!" He took some old papers out of the only bag he was still carrying himself. "I found the lost pages from the Necranomicon."

"Wow!" Gasped Feliciano. "What kind-"

"What condition are they in?" Asked Tino. He held the pages up to Feliciano's face. "Take a look. They haven't aged a day in three thousand years."

"Ve, when do we get-"

"Translations? Tonight." Said Tino with a grin. "I really need to have a talk with my father… I haven't spoken to him all week, there's no phone in the cabin."

"Well maybe you should-"

"I hinted in my telegram that father might have been onto something with the first part of the translation!" Said Tino excitedly.

Feliciano frowned a little. "Are-"

"What did he find in the Necranomicon?" Asked Tino with a look of pure joy. "Probably nothing… But just possibly, a doorway to another world!"

"You're not even listening to me…" Said Feliciano sadly.

"There is a rip in my shirt." Said Tino. "Thanks for pointing that out Feli. Let's get going to that old cabin in the woods. I'm glad we had this talk." He turned and quickly walked off stage with Feliciano quickly following, shaking his head. The lights went out again. Once they came back on it was back to the cabin where Alfred was listening to the tape, Arthur was pacing around and Matthew was wrapped up in a blanket, twitching and rocking back and forth while looking out the window.

"Hey Al, please stop listening to that." Said Arthur. "Why don't we play a game instead?"

Alfred sighed a little. "Sounds like a good idea."

Arthur smiled and called out towards the bedrooms. "Gilbert, Francis you guys want to play a game?"

"COMING!" Moaned Gilbert loudly from off stage. A few seconds later the pair appeared, Francis doing his belt buckle up and Gilbert flicking a condom into the audience. "So… What are we playing?"

Arthur took some cards out of his pocket. "Guess the word."

"How do you play?" Asked Francis.

"… I give you clues and you guess the word." Said Arthur. The group sat down. "Okay, first word. Um… it's big and it's green and it lives in the water."

"Toaster." Said Francis.

"… Close." Muttered Arthur. "Starts with a C ends in dile."

"Coaster." Said Francis.

Arthur face palmed. "It was crocodile you git. Next word. When you score in football it's called a…"

"TOUCH… down…" Growled Matthew as he rocked back and forth.

"Correct." Said Arthur. "Next word. When you have some food and you take it to a park-"

"PIIICK NIIICK! AHAHAHAHA HAHAHA! HEE HEE!" Yelled Matthew.

"… Creepy." Muttered Arthur. "Next one is-"

"Butcherrrrrrrrr." Purred Matthew darkly. Arthur frowned again quickly started to swap the cards but Matthew kept yelling out the answers. "VITAMIN C! Medic! Dental floss... QUINTUPLETS! Hamster…"

"Wait a minute!" Cried Gilbert. "He's been studying the cards! No one is that good at guess the word!"

"Is everything alright Matthew?" Asked Arthur. Suddenly Matthew jumped up and turned to face the group, he had dark makeup around his eyes and mouth making him look dead, like some kind of zombie.

"_Why have you disturbed our sleep?  
Awakened us from our ancient slumber?  
You will die! Nightmare is before you  
Like others before you, you're gonna tumble._"_  
_

He staggered towards the group in a creepy and clumsy way yet he still had an over powering and intimidating air about him. It was like he was stuck of creepy hockey mode.

"_One by one  
We're gonna take you  
One by one  
Nothing you can do  
One by one  
You'll surely fall  
One by one  
We're gonna kill you all_

_Now I'll ask you a question, not where or why or how_  
_But who?_  
_Look who's evil now!"  
_

With that Matthew dropped dead onto the stage. Everyone else just looked at him in shock. "What the fuck happen to him?" Asked Gilbert. "I've seen games of guess the word bring out the worst in people, but that is fucking ridiculous!"

Alfred gulped. "I think when we played that tape it unleashed some ancient evil, taking over Matthew's soul and turning him into a zombie demon thing."

"Thanks for the update CSI Miami." Said Gilbert sarcastically. "I think we all figured that one out."

"Did you see his eyes?" Asked Arthur. "They were all yellow and gross. What's wrong with him?"

"I'm no doctor…" Muttered Alfred. "But I think he's sick. Come on Gil, let's put a blanket on him or something." As soon as they got the blanket Matthew jumped back up.

"_Whooaaaaaaaaaa! Sock it to me, baby!_

_Look who's evil_  
_Look who's evil_  
_Look who's evil now_

_I said, look who's evil_  
_Look who's evil_  
_Look who's evil now!"  
_

He pointed at the group as he smirked sadistically at their frightened faces.

"_I heard you suckers mocking me and calling me a prude  
Let's see if you're still laughing when I rip out your Prostate glands  
I'll twist your arms I'll beat your brown eye blue  
Then I'll smash your sack and make a testicle fondue_

_Just try and fuck with me_  
_I'll show you where your grave is_  
_If being evil's cool_  
_Consider me Miles Davis_  
_Now I'll ask you a question, not where or why or how_  
_But who?_  
_Look who's evil now!_

_Now I told you all earlier I would take you all out one by one,_  
_and I'm not one to make false promises, so kids, let's kick it!"  
_

He walked over to Alfred and Gilbert; slapping Alfred on the ass and kneeing Gilbert in the nuts.

"_First Alfred  
I'll whip your ass  
And Gilbert  
I'll bust your nut!_"

He walked over to Francis and Arthur; racking his nails across Francis's stomach and grabbing a pencil off table.

"_Francis  
I'll slash your belly  
And Arthur  
__I'll stick a pencil in ya!_"_  
_

He lunged at Arthur's leg and slammed the pencil into his ankle, spraying fake blood everywhere.

"My ankle!" Screamed Arthur as he fell to the ground. "I can't walk!"

"Francis, take him to the bedroom and make sure he's okay." Said Alfred as he quickly ran to the front of the stage to pull open the trap door. Matthew just laughed and lunged for Arthur again as Francis took him off stage, but Gilbert caught the crazed blond by the waist and pulled him to the trapdoor. All the while Matthew wouldn't stop laughing.

"_You can't stop me  
You can't stop me  
You can't stop me now!_

I said, you can't stop me  
You can't stop me  
You can't stop me now!"

Gilbert threw Matthew down the trapdoor and Alfred slammed it shut. Matthew laughed and popped his head out of the trap door. "You didn't stop me, just delayed me momentarily… Who's the stupid bitch now, Gilbert? Who's the stupid bitch now?" With that Matthew slammed the trapdoor shut.

"… I'M FREAKING OUT AL!" Yelled Gilbert.

"ME TOO!" Cried Alfred. "MY BROTHER! JUST TURNED INTO A DEMON!"

"Yeah, and a pretty foul mouthed one at that." Said Gilbert. "Are we going to be okay?"

Matthew popped his head out of the trapdoor again. "DEAD BY DAWN! YOU'LL ALL BE DEAD BY DAWN!"

"… Yeah Gil, we'll all be fine." Said Alfred nervously. "We'll be fine as long as no one else here turns into a demon." There was a scream. "OH FUCK!" Francis walked back onto the stage, his clothes were ripped and he had the same zombified makeup as Matthew.

"_Look who's evil now!_"

"Not Francis too!" Whined Gilbert. Francis grinned as he stumbled over towards the pair.

"_Oh my God, like, look at me and my evil demon bod  
Now watch me shove this high heel straight up your love rod  
I'll tear your body into shreds and beat you with his balls  
And then I'll swallow up your soul without gagging at all  
I'm sexy, I'm cute  
And so evil to boot  
I'd kill you with these guns, but I don't think they shoot  
Now I'll ask you a question…_"

"Sing it!" Yelled Matthew from his place in the trapdoor. Francis happily obliged.

"_Not where or why or how  
But who?  
Look who's evil now!_"

Francis lunged himself at Gilbert and attached himself to the albino's back. Gilbert screamed and tried to shake him off. "Dude, grab the fucking gun! Shoot him! Shoot it!"

"I can't shoot Francis." Cried Alfred. "He's a friend of ours."

Gilbert growled in frustration and pulled open the door. "Goddamnit, Alfred, I picked up that skank drunk in a bar three days ago..." He managed to shake Francis off his and threw him out of the cabin, locking the door behind him. With that Alfred picked up the gun and shot Francis through the door.

With Francis hopefully dead, Gilbert and Alfred looked at each other in a mix of shock and horror.

"_What the fuck was that?_"_  
_  
"_Your brother has turned into a zombie._" Sang Gilbert. There was a small rustling noise that made them both jump._  
_  
"_What the fuck was that?_"

"_Your boyfriend was a demon too_." Sang Alfred. There was a creaking noise that made them both look around in fear.

"_What the fuck was that?_"

Gilbert sighed and looked down at his pants. "_He just ripped my pre-ripped Abercrombie._" There was a small howling noise.

"_What the fuck was that?_"

Alfred grimaced and scraped his shoe across the ground. "_I got some Francis on my shoe…_"

The both looked out into the audience. "_What darkness lurks beyond this wooden sanctum?  
What the fuck was that?_"_  
_  
"_Dude, these hoes been zombefied!  
I cannot stay here anymore  
I'm getting out of here!_" Gilbert turned and started to march towards the door, but Alfred quickly grabbed his arm._  
_  
"_No, we cannot leave, Arthur's ankle won't make it, I fear._"_  
_  
Gilbert shook his head. "_I cannot stay, I killed my lay!  
I must go now._"

"_You can't go now!_"

"_I must!_"

"_You can't!_"

"_I must!_"

"_You can't!_"

Gilbert shook his arm out of Alfred's grip. "_Bitches out for blood!  
I can't take this anymore._"

Alfred sighed dramatically. "_We don't even know if there's a way back  
Except for that damn broken footbridge._"

Gilbert made some exaggerated hand gestures. "_Gotta go!  
Right now!  
I'll find a road where I'll flag down a van!_"

"_Just listen to me!_" Snapped Alfred.

"_No I won't!_"

"_Arthur can't walk!_"

"_It's time to go!_"

"_Cannot hike  
Can't even stand!_"

Gilbert smirked sadistically. "_Then we'll leave him  
That's our brand-new plan…_" An owl hooted in the background, making them both jump again.

"_What the fuck was that?_"

"_Now I'll put an end to this vacation._" Muttered Gilbert. There was another noise and Alfred jumped into Gilbert's arms.

"_What the fuck was that?_"

"_Gil, don't leave me all alone!_" Cried Alfred. Gilbert rolled his eyes and dropped Alfred like a sack of potatoes and they both sang.

"_Necranomicon  
The Book of the Dead!_"

"_The Chant!_" Sang Alfred.

"_A curse!_" Sang Gilbert.

"_The guys!_"

"_I'm gone!_" As Gilbert turned to leave again there was another noise that made them both gulp.

"_What the fuck was that?  
It's the Evil Dead!_" With that Gilbert ran out the front door of the cabin leaving Alfred and Arthur alone in the cabin with the evil zombie demon Matthew.

"Damn it…" Muttered Alfred. "Should I go after him?" He didn't know.

**TBC**

**Shinigami-cat: **Damn… I really need to work more on my other stories… please review!


	5. Join Us

**Shinigami-cat: **Oh boy… and now for the next part of this… I OWN NOTHING!

**Join Us**

While Alfred was contemplating going after Gilbert or not Matthew once again popped out of the cellar with a laugh. "I can't believe you just let him abandon you like that!"

"Shut up Matthew!" Snapped Alfred.

"What's he rushing off to?" Jeered Matthew. "I guess he's just got to go."

"Just shut up!"

"That Gilbert sure made like a tree and… left…"

"Well you're jokes suck." Said Alfred. "They're just awful."

"I'M AWFUL?" Snapped Matthew. "YOU'RE AWFUL! Just look at yourself! You just kill a guy, you locked your own brother in the cellar, your best friend abandoned you, your boyfriend is so hurt he can hardly walk and you, you're going mad!"

"I'm not going mad!" Cried Alfred. "I'm not!"

Matthew grinned happily. "Why don't you just accept your fate and join us Alfred? Join us!" Cheesy music started playing.

"_Don't you wanna join the crew? You'll be dead and evil too.  
The coolest thing to do is join us._

_Your life sucks you know, working S-Mart's gotta blow._  
_Don't be just a fucking shmo! And join us!_

_You'll be dead with no remorse and be hung like a horse._  
_You can even bang a corpse if you join us!_

_Just imagine all the fun if to evil you succumb, so just lay down that big gun..._

_**And join our dark army of evil Candarian demons...  
As we conquer this land and take over each and every soul of the living...**__"__**  
**_  
"NO I'M NEVER GOING TO JOIN YOU EVER!" Cried Alfred.

"What's the problem Al?" Growled Matthew. "You don't want to look beautiful, like me?"

Alfred rolled his eyes and walked over to the stuffed moose head on the wall and pointed at it. "Please! I'd rather look like his moose."

"Why thank you!" Said the Moose.

Alfred jumped back in shock. "Ah! The dead moose!"

"Actually, I'm a Russia Candarian demon moose." Said the stuffed moose head. "And I'm here to tell you all about the fun and excitement you'll experience if you take us up on our offer and join us!" The cheesy music started up again and the Moose started to sing.  
_  
_"_Can't you see we'll have a scream? Evil's funnier than it seems!  
You'll play on our softball team if you join us!_"

"_Join us!_" Sang Matthew.

The Moose nodded in agreement."_We'll all have a ball, organize a big pub crawl, and spend Sundays at the mall if you join us!_"

Matthew nodded in agreement. "_Join us!_

_You can speak our evil slang even grow some evil fangs,_  
_you'll score some evil tang if you join us!_"

The Moose happily nodded its head. "_Being evil is divine, you'll be dead but so refined! Party like its '99...  
__**  
If you join our evil forces as we enslave all mankind...  
chew on their tiny brains and bathe in their hot boiling blood...**_"_  
_  
"Ah! Ah! All of you shut up!" Yelled Alfred. "Especially you, Moose! Shut up!"

Matthew rolled his eyes. "Someone hasn't been watching the Discovery Channel… Everyone knows that once moose get singing they never shut up!"

Alfred shook his head. "That's it, I'm getting Arthur and we are getting out of this place!" He turned and started to march off stage in a huff.

Matthew and the Moose laughed. "_You can try and take a stand, but we have got your hand!_"

Alfred walked back onto the stage and frowned at the pair. "What are you talking about?"  
_  
_"_It's not quite what we planned, but now we've got your hand!_"_  
_  
"Why do you keep saying that?" Asked Alfred nervously.  
_  
_"_We've got your hand! Yes its true, we've got your hand!  
Yes, we finally got your hand to join us!_"_  
_  
Alfred gulped nervously. "What's that? You got my hand to join you? Oh yeah? No you don't! Why do you keep saying that you got my hand to join ya, huh? Why do you keep saying that?" Suddenly Alfred's right tried to choke him. This lead to a series of over exaggerated slapstick where Alfred's right hand would attack him and Alfred would knock it away._  
_  
"We've got your hand! We've got your hand!" Laughed Matthew triumphantly.

Alfred managed to pin his hand under his foot. "Oh you bastards! You dirty bastards! Give me back my hand! Give me back my hand!" He quickly moved over to the table and grabbed hold of a chainsaw that was conveniently placed there and started up. With an insane laugh he started to cut off his hand. Needless to say a ridiculous amount of fake blood sprayed everywhere. "Whose laughing now, hey? Whose laughing now!"

As Alfred chopped off his hand the lights faded out into black. After a few moments the lights came back on showing a man with red hair and giant eyebrows standing on one side of the stage while Tino and Feliciano were on the other side.

"It's got to be around here somewhere…" Muttered Tino.

Feliciano sighed. "Ve, maybe we should go ba-"

"Good thinking Feliciano." Said Tino happily. "We should ask for directions." He walked up to the red head and smiled. "Excuse me, strange man wandering through the woods alone in the middle of the night, is this the way to Knowby cabin?"

The red head looked at Tino and frowned a little. "Firstly, I wasn't supposed to the wandering these woods alone. You see, I was supposed to be here with my lovely wife, Anna. But well, with that Matthew boy being molested by those trees, she figured old Scott was a little useless in the bedroom."

"… What are you talking about?" Asked Tino."

"Nothing." Muttered Scott.

"Anyway…" Said Tino. "Getting back on topic, is this the way to Knowby cabin?"

"Sure is." Said Scott. "But you two aren't going there."

"And why not?" Asked Tino with his arms crossed in a defiant kind of way.

"The bridge is out." Said Scott. He pointed over to the broken bridge that still had the sign saying 'The bridge is fucked.'

Feliciano frowned. "Well it seems there's no way to-"

"Feliciano's right." Said Tino. "There has to be another way in, like a trail or road or something."

"There sure as hell isn't a road." Said Scott. "Why do you two want to get up there so badly anyway?"

Feliciano smiled a little. "Oh he wants to-"

"That's none of your business." Said Tino.

Scott shrugged and looked away. "Suit yourself… Say… I just remembered, there's a trail. You can follow me, but it's gonna cost."

"How much?" Asked Tino sceptically.

"Five hundred." Said Scott with a smirk. Feliciano sighed and reached into his pocket to get the money. When Tino suddenly stopped him.

"You're right, Feli. How do we even know this guy is reliable?"

Scott looked at the pair in disbelief? He growled and started to jab Feliciano's chest with his finger. "Reliable? Why you no good, dirty rotten, V-neck wearin', son of a gun. With your flappin' lips and pompous ass attitude! How do you know if I'm reliable?" Music started to play.

"_Who's the world's most reliable human being  
Who's the one folks call for help with everything  
Who's the one man you can count on when your life is at stake  
It's good old reliable Scott_

_Who can help you when you've lost your keys_  
_Or when you need double bypass surgery_  
_Who can be your partner in the two-man luge_  
_And can sneak a dead hooker out your hotel room_

_Who's every senior citizen's favourite mime_  
_And who can pass Courvoisier like Busta Rhymes_  
_Who was the inspiration for the Shamrock Shake_  
_It's good old reliable Scott…_"

The music started to pick up."_Who invented the formula for Krazy Glue  
And who nailed all the chicks on The View  
Who was the last man to walk on the moon  
And who won the fourth Oscar for directing Platoon_

_Who's the point guard for the Memphis Grizzles_  
_And who coined the phrase "fo' shizzle my nizzle"_  
_It was me, can't you see? I ain't no fake_  
_I'm good old reliable Scott_

_Do you believe I can get you down the path?_"_  
_  
"_I believe!_" Sang Tino.  
_  
_"_Do you believe I can get you to the cabin?_" Sung Scott._  
_  
Tino grinned and nodded. "_I believe!_"  
_  
Scott smirked. "If you need a guy to get you through them woods  
And I knows that trail and I knows it good  
You can trust in me, there's no mistake  
I'm good old reliable Scott  
You can trust in me, there's no mistake  
I'm good old reliable Scott._"

Tino sighed and turned back to Feliciano. "After all that you still don't think he's reliable?"

"FUCKING DAMN IT!" Yelled Scott. He growled and grabbed Tino's arm. "Alright! You city slickers come with me! I'll take you to that damn cabin!" He pulled Tino off stage with Feliciano quickly following with the bags that he was still carrying as the lights went dark again.

**TBC**

**Shinigami-cat: **Sorry that this was so short, but hey it was funny. Please review!


	6. This Isn't as Bad as it Looks

**Shinigami-cat: **And the randomness continues… I OWN NOTHING!

**This Isn't as Bad as it Looks**

As the lights slowly started to come back on to revel the cabin, there was a man dressed as a janitor. He was cleaning the floor. "Damn people bleeding all over my damn stage. With that damn chainsaw, sawing off that damn hand makes them bleed more. Blood everywhere. Blood on the ceiling, blood on the floor, blood on the table. Blood everywhere."

It was at the point where Alfred walked back onto stage taping a cloth to his now bloody stump, formally known as his right hand. He gave the janitor a confused look as he continued to clean the floor.

"And you know what?" Muttered the janitor. "They're going to blame it all on me."

"LARS YOU'RE SO SEXY!" Yelled someone in the audience.

Lars looked up into the audience in the direction of where the voice came from and smirked. "You should see what else I can do with this mop, baby." This got him several cheers as he turned and walked off stage.

Alfred raised an eyebrow at Lars and shook his head, slowly walking down to centre stage, holding his bloody stump. "Well hand… we've had some good times together. Never thought it would end like this." Alfred's hand appeared on the table, looking a little like thing from the Adam's family. "You've gotten me through more Friday nights than I'll ever admit." Alfred's hand started to move in a wanking motion. Alfred turned around. "CURSE YOU HAND!"

He ran up to it and slammed a rubbish bin on top of it. After a few second where the hand didn't move or make a noise Alfred cautiously peeked inside. It was at this point where his hand jumped up at his face and Alfred screamed and threw it off stage.

Matthew laughed from his spot in the trap door. "You're tougher then I though, Al… Got to hand it to you brother!"

"Shut up!" Snapped Alfred.

"Come on everyone!" Yelled Matthew. "Let's give the boy a hand! Woo!"

"Stop it already!" Yelled Alfred.

Matthew chuckled. "What's your favourite animal in the zoo? The handa bear?"

"That was just awful!" Whined Alfred.

Suddenly there was the sounds of Gilbert screaming and banging on the door. "OH GOD! LET ME IN AL! LET ME IN!"

Alfred ran to the door and opened it. Gilbert stumbled inside; his clothes were ripped and bloodied. "What the hell happened to you Gil?" Cried Alfred in shock as he grabbed the albino to stop him from falling.

"You got to help me Al you… What the fuck happened to your hand?" Asked Gilbert.

"… Don't worry about it Gilbert." Said Alfred. He lowered Gilbert to the floor. "What happened to you Gilbert?"

"The trees…" Whimpered Gilbert. "They won't let us leave Alfred… We're all going to die here… WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"We're not going to die here!" Cried Alfred. "The sun will be up in a few hours and we can all leave here. You, me, Arthur, Francis… Well not Francis I shot him through the door… But Gilbert is there a way around the bridge?"

Gilbert nodded a little. "Yeah, there's a way… But the trees know. Don't you see it Alfred?" He coughed and spluttered a little. "Alfred, death is a bitch... A stupid bitch..." With that Gilbert's body went limp and he died.

Alfred looked down at Gilbert's body in shock. "Gil? Gilbert? NOOOOO!"

Matthew popped out of the trap door. "Hey Alfred, I think I accidently scratched your new Lady Gaga CD."

"NOOOOOO!" Cried Alfred.

The Moose head cleared its throat a little. "Hey Alfred. I wasn't going to say anything before but you have a pretty nasty mustard stain on your pants and if I know anything about mustard stains, that's not going to come out."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cried Alfred again. "What else could go wrong to day?"

Suddenly out of nowhere Arthur jumped up onto the stage with his clothes all ripped and wearing zombie makeup. "_Look who's evil now!_"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"We got your boyfriend!" Taunted Matthew. "We got your boyfriend! We got your boyfriend!"

"Shut up! Shut up!" Cried Alfred. He ran over to Arthur and shook his shoulders. "Arthur! Arthur!" Arthur just laughed insanely.

Slowly Gilbert sat up and glared at Alfred. "He's fucking evil! Kill him… oh shit…" He collapsed again.

Laughed his head off. "Kill him if you can, lover boy!"

Alfred gulped and quickly grabbed the gun, pointing it at Arthur. "Oh, forgive me Arthur. I guess I gotta go what I gotta do…"

Arthur suddenly held his hands up and gulped a little. It seemed like had had turned back into his normal self. "Oh, oh please don't Alfred… I'm fine now." Music started to play. "_I have to ask a question to the gods above…_"

Alfred slowly lowered the gun."_How can this be real?_"

Arthur smiled a little and took a few steps towards Alfred. "_How were we deemed worthy of this perfect love. I'll ask the trees I'll ask the sky  
I'll ask the whole wide world…_"

Alfred took a few steps towards Arthur. "_A love so true and pure  
A love to last for sure_.

_How did a Housewares employee land the perfect guy."_

They both joined hands."_How did the perfect guy land a Housewares employee?_"

Alfred put the gun down. "I love you Arthur."

"Oh Alfred, please don't hurt me." Whimpered Arthur. "You said… You said you would always be there for me…"

"I won't hurt you, I promise." Said Alfred reassuringly. "I love you Arthur."

"Alfred!" Called Matthew from within the trap door. He sounded… normal now too. "Alfred! Help me Alfred!"

Alfred frowned a little and cautiously walked over to the trap door. "Matthew?"

"I'm all better now Alfred!" Called Matthew. "Please unlock the door and let me out Alfred!"

Suddenly Gilbert stood up. "Don't do it! He's still a demon! Both those bastards are…" He looked down at himself, fake intestines were falling out of him. "FUCK!" He fell backwards.

Alfred gulped. "I'm sorry Gilbert, but that's my brother down there… So I'm afraid I'll have to ignore your dying wish and open that cellar door…" As soon as he got close to it Matthew jumped up and tried to strangle Alfred, but the blond managed to jump back in time.

Gilbert got up and rolled his eyes. "Dude? What the fuck did I just tell you?" He looked down at himself again. "Shit…" And he fell down again.

Matthew laughed his head off. "Let me out Alfred. I'm all better now... DUMB ASS!"

"WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME LIKE THIS?" Yelled Alfred. "WHY?"

Arthur spun around in a circle. "_Looks whose still evil now!_"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cried Alfred in dismay. Arthur shrugged and kneed Alfred in the nuts before jumping onto his back.

"We're going to get you!" Taunted Arthur. "We're going to get you! We're going to get you!" Alfred managed to throw Arthur off his back and threw him behind the table.

Gilbert got up again and yelled angrily at Alfred. "DUDE! FUCKING LISTEN TO ME! CHOP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!" He looked down at himself and sighed. "You know what? I'm fucking done with this shit." With that he fell to the ground, this time he was dead.

Alfred gulped and grabbed the axe. He quickly ran over to Arthur. "Sorry Arthur, but I have to chop off your head!" With one swift chop, a fake head with a messy blond wig glued to it and marker eyebrows flew through the air and Alfred caught it. "I got to admit Arthur… this isn't the kind of head I was expecting from you this weekend." He reached down behind the table, picked up the necklace and hung it on the moose's horn.

"It's pretty hard to do anything when you don't have a neck!" Snapped Arthur.

Alfred gasped and looked down at the fake head in his arms. "You're still alive?"

"Alive and biting!" Growled Arthur. Alfred gulped and grabbed the fake head, smashing it against the side of the table a few times. He dropped the fake head behind the table and pulled up Arthur's real head, making it look like it was severed from his body.

"And now to take you down…" Said Alfred. "With a chainsaw!"

"USELESS!" Screamed Arthur. "IT'S USELESS!" As Alfred looked around for the chainsaw. Arthur's headless body stood up, in other words a person with a shirt over their head, holding a chainsaw. Alfred screamed and ran for his life, jumping over Gilbert's body. Luckily the headless body slipped in Gilbert's blood and fell over.

Alfred quickly ran over and grabbed his gun. "Now it's time to die, you old hag!"

Arthur pouted. "You found me beautiful once."

"Honey, you got real ugly." Said Alfred. He looked down at Arthur's body and shot it twice. "Double tap. Rule number two." Slightly sad piano music started to play. "_I'm not a killer,  
I'm an S-Mart employee.  
And to kill a co-worker  
Is against company policy._"

He picked up the chainsaw and walked over to Arthur's head. "_But you tried to kill me,  
So now I must say goodbye.  
I'm sorry Arthur,  
But now you must die!_"_  
_  
He pressed the chainsaw against Arthur's neck and started it up. This in turn made a ridiculous amount of fake blood spray across the stage in a fountain of gore. "_Die, die  
Die, die  
Die, die  
Die, die  
Die, die  
Die, die  
Oh die  
Oh die!_"

It was at that moment that Tino, Feliciano and Scott walked through the door. "Daddy, I'm home!" There was an awkward silence at Alfred and the group exchanged glances. It didn't look good; there was a pile of dead bodies in one corner, Alfred was destroying a severed head and there was blood everywhere.

Alfred gulped a little. "Uh, this isn't as bad as it looks!" The lights went out.

**TBC**

**Shinigami-cat: **Well… that was awkward. Please review!


	7. Bit Part Demon

**Shinigami-cat: **Oh boy… I OWN NOTHING!

**Bit Part Demon**

Slowly the lights came back on as Act two started. It picked up from where Act one ended with Alfred using the chainsaw to butcher Arthur's head, but there were several differences in the set up. For one he was using the fake head and the headless corpse and Gilbert's body were no longer in the corner. Alfred was singing the last part of the last song. "_Die, die  
Die, die  
Die, die  
Die, die  
Die, die  
Die, die  
Oh die  
Oh die…_"

It was at the moment that Tino, Feliciano and Scott walked through the door. "Daddy, I'm home!" There was an awkward silence as Alfred and the group exchanged glances

Alfred gulped a little. "Uh, this isn't as bad as it looks!"

"How the fuck is this not as bad as it looks?" Snapped Scott.

Alfred put the chainsaw down. "Sure… there's one bloody dismembered head…" He picked up the head and tossed it off stage. "But at least there's not a pile of bodies in the corner anymore."

"Where is my father?" Cried Tino. "What have you done to him?" He ran up to Alfred and started shaking him. In an attempt to get the angry boy off him, Alfred pushed him away, accidently ripping the sleeve off Tino's shirt. "Look at what you've done!" Snapped Tino. "You've torn my outfit! Scott, get this murderous bastard out of my father's cabin!"

Scott smirked and cracked his knuckles. "Will do."

Alfred gulped and raised his hands. "Hold on! Let's talk about this first!" Scott punched Alfred in the face, dragged him over to the door and threw him out.

"NO!" Screamed Alfred. "THE TREES! THE TREES!"

"I HOPE YOU DIE OUT THERE!" Snapped Scott as he locked the door.

Tino started to look around the stage for his father. Starting with the trapdoor at the front of the stage. "Daddy?" Nothing in there. He ran over to side of the stage and looked into the bedrooms. "Daddy? Where is he?" He ran back onto the stage and walked over to the table where the tape recorder was. "He's not here… but these are his things." He picked up the tape and pressed play.

"It has been a few hours since I've translated and spoken allowed the first of the demon resurrection passages from the book of the dead."

"Shush!" Said Tino. "It's my father's voice."

"I fear the Candarian demons have overrun these grounds. May God forgive me for what I have unleashed unto this earth."

Tino frowned and put the tape recorder down. "Candarian demons?"

Suddenly there was a scream that made the trio look out the window. Through the window they could see Alfred getting attacked by the trees. "AHHHHH! LET ME IN! LET ME IN! IT'S THE TREES! THE TREES!THE TREES ARE ALIVE! THE TREES ARE ALIVE! THE TREES ARE ALIVE! AHHHHHHH!"

"The trees are alive?" Asked Scott.

Tino rolled his eyes. "Of course the trees are alive Scott. They are autotrophic organisms. Is it time for a science lesson?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed Alfred again as the trees pulled him out of view.

"LET HIM IN!" Cried Tino.

"NO IT'S A TRICK!" Snapped Scott.

"LET HIM IN! LET HIM IN! LET HIM IN!" Cried Tino.

Feliciano rolled his eyes and walked over to the door and opened it. Alfred ran back in. His clothes were ripped and torn. He was panting heavily. "Alright… No one goes out that door tonight. And whatever you do, don't go near that cellar door."

"Cellar?" Asked Feliciano. "What cellar?" Suddenly Matthew popped up and bit Feliciano's ankle. Tino and Scott screamed as Feliciano stumbled and fell behind the table in a heap.

Matthew cackled. "I'll get you, Alfred! I'm like a literal Hulk Hogan, I'll get you brother!"

"Shut up!" Snapped Alfred.

Matthew giggled. "We're like that Columbia house, ten CD's for a penny club. Sooner or later, you'll join us!"

"Shut up!" Snapped Alfred.

"I'm like Dom DeLuise at all you can eat fish house. I'll swallow your soul!" Yelled Matthew.

"God, shut up!" Cried Alfred in frustration.

Matthew smirked. "It'll be like you were killed by some guy who's first name happens to be Dawn and you'll be dead…by Dawn…"

"That is it!" Snapped Alfred. He ran over to Matthew and slammed the door on his head, keeping his foot there so Matthew couldn't come back up anytime soon.

Scott took a few deep breath and walked across the stage. "Okay, seriously what the fuck is going on?"

Alfred sighed a little. "It's an old tale, I'm sure you've heard it a hundred times before… Boy and his friends go on a weeklong vacation in the woods… Three friends turn into Candarian demons. One friend is killed by a forest of evil trees. Two demons are killed with both of their boyfriends present, while one stays in the cellar trying to kill everything in sight." Matthew yelled from within the cellar and Alfred stomped on the trap door making him shut up. "Pretty standard stuff."

"And do all of the demons talk in really bad puns?" Asked Tino curiously.

Alfred shook his head. "No. As far as I can tell he's the only one that does that."

"And he's the only one you let live?" Asked Tino in shock.

There was a long awkward pause. "Yeah… sorry about that…"

Tino shrugged. "Okay, but there's only one question now… How do we stop it?"

"No clue." Said Alfred.

"Well this is fucking great!" Snapped Scott.

"My father would know how to stop it." Said Tino.

"Well your daddy isn't here!" Snapped Alfred. "So the only thing we can do is to stay put and ride this out till dawn!"

"Oh hell no!" Yelled Scott. "That's a shitty idea! I'm not staying in this shitty shit hole! I'm going down that trail and going home!"

"No one is going out there!" Growled Alfred. "Not out that door. Not till daylight!"

Scott growled as he approached Alfred. "Now you listen to me."

"No, you listen to me!" Snapped Alfred.

"If anybody around here is going to be listening it'll be you listening to me!" Yelled Scott.

"NO!" Yelled Alfred. "WHEN IT COMES TO LISTENING-"

Suddenly Feliciano jumped up wearing zombie makeup. "_Look whose e-_"

Matthew popped out of the trap door. "OMG! LOOK WHOSE EVIL NOW!"

"DAMN IT!" Yelled Feliciano in frustration. Tino and Scott started to scream and freak out in a panic as Feliciano slowly lurched forwards. Alfred on the other hand simply shrugged and yawned casually, even though Feliciano was practically right next to him.

"I don't think so." Said Alfred to the audience. "You see, you have to realize that there's a hierarchy about the whole thing. Simmer down there buddy." He patted Feliciano on the shoulder. This made Feliciano frown a little, but back off sadly. "You see… there are the big time demons that pose a big threat and then there's what I like to call, bit part demons. Yes, extras. Nothing really special about them, they just pretty much wait around for us to kill them. But they never kill a guy like me. The main man. The hero. It's just not how these stories tend to go." He slapped Feliciano on the back. "And that's all you are friend, a bit part demon."

Matthew popped up again. "Now I'm not one to agree with the living… But Alfred's right. You're a bit player in this whole thing. You'll never kill a guy like Alfred. NEVER!"

Alfred smirked. "You see?"

"Now hold on!" Said Tino. "That's not fair. He's not a bit part demon."

Alfred rolled his eyes. "Oh come one. He hasn't even spoken more than three words all night. Heck, I don't even know his name!"

Tino glared at Alfred. "His name is-"

"It's Feliciano." Said Feliciano sadly. "Or Feli… Or I guess Evil Feli now… You don't have to defend me Tino. They're right… They are completely right…" Music started to play. "_I'm that guy you see in every horror flick.  
You may not remember me, I come and go too quick._

_You wouldn't know my name, I hardly ever speak a line._  
_If the hero kills a hundred demons, I'd be the forgettable number_  
_thirty nine._

_'Cuz I'm a bit part demon, a small time misfit._  
_I'd say you'd be dead by dawn but I don't really mean it._

_I'm a threat to no one, the other deities make fun..._"_  
_  
"YOU SUCK!" Screamed Matthew.

Feliciano sighed sadly and started to tear up. "_Of me. Evil Feli. Oh The bit part demon…_"

Tino frowned and walked over to Feliciano, giving him a hug. "But don't you see Feli? We've been listening to you talk for the past two minutes. You've said a whole lot just now. Just you! Aw, you're not a bit part demon anymore. You're a lead player. A star!"

Feliciano's eyes lit up at this realization and slightly more upbeat music started to play. Someone off stage threw Feliciano a top hat and cane. "_You're right! Now I see that this trend has been disrupted.  
I've said more than five words without being interrupted! I'm a  
bit part no more! My character's at a swing!  
And now it's time for this demon to sing, sing sing!"_

Alfred rolled his eyes and shot Feliciano in the back. "Now you'll have a bit part; in hell."

**TBC**

**Shinigami-cat: ** I guess Alfred's tired of singing. Please review.


	8. This is my Boomstick

**Shinigami-cat: **Well, it's getting close to the end, but not quite… I OWN NOTHING!

**This is my Boomstick**

Feliciano was dead on the floor and Tino and Scott were freaking out. Alfred was just standing there like it was nothing special, because let's face it, it wasn't. Not anymore. "Are you still mourning over that halfwit?" Asked Alfred. "Get over it."

"Feliciano just died you freaking psycho!" Cried Tino in dismay as Scott poked him with his shoe.

Alfred sighed. "It's time to move on with your life-"

"YOU MURDERED HIM!" Screamed Tino.

"Don't interrupt me-" Said Alfred coolly

"HE'S FREAKING DEAD-" Cried Tino.

Alfred pointed the gun at Tino. "I said don't interrupt me." That shut Tino up. "Listen, baby!" Snapped Alfred "I'm not just some preppy boy toy you can just push around, see. I killed that guy already!"

"How can you be so heartless, so bad?" Cried Tino.

Alfred shrugged, a lazy smirk plastered to his face. "Good…bad…I'm the guy with the gun."

"I still don't know what you're even doing here in the cabin!" Cried Tino.

"I could ask you the same question!" Snapped Alfred.

"It's my family's cabin!" Exclaimed Tino.

"Did I ask?" Growled Alfred darkly.

"Are all men from Michigan such loud mouth braggarts?" Snapped Tino.

Alfred smirked. "Nope…just me, baby…just me…"

While all this yelling was going on Scott was looking out the window. "That's strange…" He muttered. "The trail… It's like the trees just swallowed them up."

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Snapped Alfred. "Those woods have a mind of their own. They are evil! That's why we can't go out there. Not till dawn!"

"Just listen to him Scott." Said Tino.

"What?" Cried Scott in shock. "You believe this psycho?"

Tino shrugged a little. "Well… he did break into my families property, murdered Feliciano and possibly my father, but for some reason… I trust him…"

Scott face palmed. "For fuck sake…" Out of nowhere a booming cry rattled the cabin, making everyone jump and cry out in fear. This continued on for about thirty second with the booming voice disappearing near the bedroom side of the stage. "What the fuck was that!" Cried Scott.

"Sounds like something trying to force its way into our world." Said Alfred.

"That's what I think whenever I hear strange noises." Said Tino. Suddenly the lights went out and the spot light focused on a man standing behind the table. He had dull blue eyes, blond hair clipped back with some kind of cross hair pin and was wearing some brown suit.

"It's a ghost!" Cried Scott.

"It's my dad!" Cried Tino.

"It's a ghost dad!" Cried Alfred. Demons he could handle, ghosts he couldn't.

"Tino!" Said the ghost dad. "There's a dark spirit here that wishes to destroy you. Your salvation lies there in the pages of the book. Recite the passages, dispel the evil, save my soul and your own lives!" There was a blast of smoke from the smoke machine and he was gone. That was possibly the most expensive special effect in the whole production.

"… That was weird." Said Alfred.

"My dad is dead?" Whimpered Tino.

"Yep. Looks that way." Said Alfred casually.

"I can't believe this is happening again!" Cried Tino in dismay. When no one asked him what was wrong he looked over at Scott and Alfred who were arguing. Tino pouted and walked right up next to Alfred. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING AGAIN!"

Alfred and Scott jumped in surprise. "What?" Asked Alfred. "What's happening again?"

"Well if you insist…" Said Tino. "You see… this strange thing has been happening to me my whole life… Every time I think it goes away, it comes back!"

"What could possibly be wrong?" Asked Alfred.

"Well… All the men in my life keep getting killed by Candarian demons…"

"Seriously?" Asked Scott.

Tino nodded and some music started to play. "_All the men in my life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons._"

Alfred raised an eyebrow. "All the men in your life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons."

Tino sighed sadly. "_First there was Feli, a really nice guy.  
Didn't talk too much but I didn't mind.  
I was all set to marry him, but  
before we could consummate Feli was killed by a Candarian Demon._"

Alfred and Scott looked at each other and shrugged. "_Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon._"

"_Then it was Daddy._" Sang Tino.

"_Daddy._" Sang Alfred and Scott.

Tino smiled. "_Who I could count on._"

"_Awoo…_"

"_He loved to read the Necranomicon._"

"_Book of the Dead._"

"_He also enjoyed playing board games.  
But he can't sink my battleship now  
'cause Dad was killed by a Candarian Demon._"

"_Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon_"

"_They say love is cruel and I believe them, my heart's always broken.  
'Cause the men in my life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons. Why?_"

Scott shrugged. "I don't know."

Alfred sighed a little and patted Tino's shoulder. "Tino baby, I know it seems bad now: it always does! But I think you're exaggerating a touch Sugar Bean. I mean, sure, your father and fiancé were killed by Candarian Demons, but that's only two men, isn't it? I mean there's no way that all the men in your life could have been killed by Candarian Demons!"

"Oh, no?" Asked Tino. "_It was high school_."

Alfred and Scott shrugged. "_High School._"

"_Senior prom._" Sang Tino.

"_Oh yeah!_"

"_Going with my steady Howie Brown._"

"_Howie Brown._"

"_A perfect night…_"

"_Howie Brown?_"

"_Like I always dreamed._"

"_A little boy's dream…_"

"_But when "Stairway to Heaven" began  
Howe was killed by a Candarian Demon._"

"_Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon._"

"_All my college boyfriends and my one-night stands!  
My male co-workers and platonic straight friends._"

"_Hey!_"

"_Every date I go on ends in demon bloodshed.  
And now that I've met you two guys I know you'll soon be dead!_"

Alfred and Scott looked at Tino in shock. "What the fuck?"

"_They say love is cruel._"

"_Shoop shoo-wa._"

"_And I believe them._"

"_Shoop shoo-wa._"

"_My heart's always broken.  
'Cause the men  
in my life—and I mean ALL the men in my life  
Every single man!—in my life,  
keeps getting killed by Candarian Demons!_"

Alfred shrugged. "_Candarian Demons._"

"_Oo-ee-oo-oo!_" Sang Scott.

Tino sighed and looked over his shoulder at Alfred. "Isn't it a little inappropriate to be touching me there?"

Alfred held his hands up. "Dude. I'm not touching anything.

"Me neither." Said Scott.

Tino frowned and turned around. Attached to his pants was Alfred's hand. Tino screamed and Alfred quickly ran up and grabbed it. Once he grabbed it the threw it off stage. "Damn you hand!" Snapped Alfred.

Taino glared at Alfred. "Looks as though your hand is rather handsy."

Alfred shrugged. "Hey, at least I know where that hand has been… Still pretty gross…"

"That's it!" Cried Scott in a panic. "I'm getting out of here and you two are coming with me!"

"If you're talking about going into those woods you can forget it!" Snapped Alfred. "You heard the ghost, Tino has to translate those pages!"

Tino nodded and grabbed the pages. "Okay, there are two separate passages, one to make the evil manifest itself in the flesh and the other will open a door in space and time…"

Alfred beamed. "It sure is lucky you not only showed up with the pages that are vital to our survival, but you also know how to translate them."

Suddenly Scott yanked the gun out of Alfred's hand and aimed it at the pair. "That's it. I said I was leaving, never said I was leaving alone! We are leaving now!"

Alfred looked at Scott in disbelief. "Idiot! Those woods molested my brother, killed my best friend and attacked me! Why do you still insist on going out there?"

"… I don't have time for your common sense!" Snapped Scott. "We are leaving now!"

Tino rolled his eyes and waved the pages in front of Scott's face. "But don't you see? It's only with these pages do we stand a chance!"

"These pages?" Snapped Scott as he snatched the pages out of Tino's hand. He ran over to the trap door and threw the pages down it. "These pages are bullshit! Now… you city slickers have no choice… Move!"

Alfred sighed and walked up to Scott. "Look… You're nuts. I got news for you pal, your only leaving with one thing… Jack shit, and Jack left town."

Scott rolled his eyes and punched Alfred in the face, making him fall behind the table. Tino gasped in shock. "Alfred!"

Suddenly Alfred jumped up. "_Look whose evil now!_" He ran over to Scott and grabbed him, making the red head drop the gun. Alfred then dragged Scott out of the cabin. "JOIN US!"

Tino screamed. "You'll never take me alive! Shit…" He quickly ran over to the table and grabbed the first thing he could find, the ancient dagger. He whimpered a little and walked over to the door. "… Take this Alfred!" He opened the door and stabbed the first person he could.

Scott stumbled through the door with fake blood spraying out of his chest. "_Goddamn you man! You fucking stabbed me!  
Goddamn you man! Do I look like a fucking zombie?_"

Tino gasped. "_It was a mistake! What can I do to prove I am sorry?_"_  
_  
Scott glared at Tino. "_Well, in the future I'd appreciate it if you could not fucking stab me!  
Goddamn you man._"_  
_  
"_I didn't mean to hurt you._" Sang Tino._  
_  
"_You really got me pissed!_" Snapped Scott._  
_  
"_Or make you bleed…_"_  
_  
"_Goddamn you man._" Sang Scott._  
_  
"_I'll make you feel better._"_  
_  
_"This hurts like a son of a bitch!_"_  
_  
"_Would you like some Pepcid AC?_"_  
_  
"_Man look what you've done! I'm bleeding all over the fucking room!_" Scott fell onto the stage and convulsed a little._  
_  
Tino pulled a cloth out of his pocket. "_Then take this cloth and apply pressure to your wound._"_  
_  
"_Bitch, get me somewhere safe! That thing's still out there in them trees._"_  
_  
"_No one can hurt you here!_"_  
_  
Matthew popped out of the trap door and grinned. "No one but me! Come on, fatty!" He grabbed Scott's legs and dragged him down into the cellar.

"_Goddamn you man!_" Yelled Scott as he got dragged down into the cellar. The trap door slammed shut. A few seconds later there was the distinct sound of gnashing teeth and ripping flesh… then silence.

"… Scott?" Called Tino. "Are you alright?" He walked over to the trap door and opened it, getting a face full of blood. He slammed the door shut and ran away.

At that moment Alfred walked through the door, still demonized. "JOIN US! JOIN US!" Tino screamed and dived behind the table. Alfred followed but stopped when he saw the necklace that was still hanging on the moose's horn and broke down. "Arthur… Oh Arthur…"

Suddenly Tino popped back up with the axe and ran towards Alfred. "DIIIIIIIIIIE!"

"HOLY SHIT!" Screamed Alfred. "I'M OKAY! I'M ALRIGHT NOW! Seeing my boyfriend's necklace changed me back."

"That doesn't make any sense!" Cried Tino. "You boyfriend was wearing that necklace earlier and he was still a Candarian demon!"

"I know…" Said Alfred. "It seems a little… inconsistent… But I'm alright. That's the main thing."

Tino sighed a little. "Okay, maybe you're okay, but who knows for how long and we need those pages if we're ever going to get out of here."

Matthew popped up from the trap door, waving the pages in the air. "You mean these pages? HA! I'll kill you before you get your hands on them! I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL ALFRED! I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!"

Alfred glared at Matthew angrily. He picked up the gun and walked over to him. "Matthew, I'm really getting tired of you trying to kill me… You see this?" He held the gun up in the air. "This is my boomstick! It's a 12 gage, double barrel, brimington. S-Marts top of the line! You can find this in the sporting goods department! That's right, this sweet baby was made right here in Grand rapids, Michigan. Retails about a hundred and nine, ninety-five. It's got a walnut stock, coal ball blue steal and a hair trigger. That's right…shop smart! Shop S-Mart! Ya' got that!?"

Matthew laughed his head off as he waved the pages in the air. "I'll swallow your soul!"

Alfred rolled his eyes and aimed the gun at Matthew. "Swallow this!" He shot Matthew and grabbed the papers out of his hand before he fell down the cellar. "Thank you."

**TBC**

**Shinigami-cat: **Finally! I was wondering when Alfred would kill Matthew off. Being stuck in a cabin with a singing demon that tells shit jokes all night has to takes it's tole on you eventually.


	9. Do the Necranomicon

**Do the Necranomicon**

With Matthew dead, Alfred happily walked across the stage and handed the pages to Tino. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Said Tino. He looked over the pages. "Okay, so there are two separate passages; the first will cause the evil to manifest itself in the flesh."

"Why the hell would we want to do that?" Asked Alfred.

"Because we have to." Said Tino. "But be warned, once awakened the evil will perform a ceremonial war ritual to honour the Necranomicon."

Alfred sighed a little. "A ceremonial war ritual from hell? Not looking forward to that… That's going to be hellish, guaranteed."

"I know." Said Tino. "Once the ritual is complete, the second passage will open a passage in space and time, through which we need to push the evil back. But Alfred be warned… if anything goes awry the recitation we must be prepared. Which is why we need this." Tino quickly ran around and picked up the chainsaw. He slipped one end of the chainsaw over Alfred's stump, giving him a chainsaw hand.

"Dude… this is awesome." Said Alfred with a grin.

Tino smiled happily and walked over to the side of the stage, Alfred followed him. "Okay, here we go." Said Tino as he grabbed the pages and started to recite. "Nos varatos alamenda canda."

"**CANDA! CANDA! CANDA!" **Yelled the Candarian demons as they slowly dragged themselves onto the stage. This was everyone; Feliciano, Matthew, Arthur, Francis, Scott, Gilbert… everyone.

Matthew grinned sadistically as he pulled himself out of the trap door. "_Now we honour the Necranomicon_."

The other demons chanted. "_Now we honour the Necranomicon  
Now we honour the Necranomicon  
Now we honour the Necranomicon._"_  
_  
The demons got into two lines as Gilbert took centre stage. "_Now we honour the Necranomicon  
With our very own special dance._"_  
_  
"How the hell do demons do their very own special dance?" Asked Alfred.

Gilbert looked over at Alfred and grinned. "_In hell we dance our own special way  
Let's show him how we dance while our bodies decay._

"_Do we bounce like Backstreet?_" Asked Francis.

Gilbert shook his head. "_Not without a heartbeat._"

"_Do we grind like Michale Bivens?_" Asked Scott.

Gilbert shook his head. "_Bel Biv Devoe before the living._"

"_Do we whoop like Tag Team?_" Asked Arthur.

Gilbert shook his head. "_Not without a bloodstream._"

Feliciano jumped. "_Let's Macarena like that group did!_"

"_No that's just stupid_." Said Gilbert.

All the demons started to sing and dance in unison. "_Deadite zombies like to get their freak on  
And when we get together they do the Necranomicon  
Do the Necranomicon  
Do the Necranomicon  
Come on, come on  
And do the Necranomicon._"

Gilbert grinned and did a quick spin on the spot. "_You gotta follow the moves  
Right to the letter  
It's just like the time warp_."

The other demons stopped at stared at the albino in shock. "_What?!_"

Gilbert smirked. "_Only better!_"

The demons cheered happily. "_First we jump  
Then we sit down  
Then we get back up  
And lasso all around  
Then we spin  
Clap our hands  
Then take a big moment to acknowledge the band  
Do the robot  
And the sprinkler  
And finish it off with our best Henry Winkler!_

_Deadite zombies like to get their freak on_  
_And when we get together they do the Necranomicon_  
_Do the Necranomicon_  
_Do the Necranomicon_  
_Come on, come on_  
_And do the Necranomicon_."

"_Can we kill these suckers yet?_" Asked Francis.

Gilbert shook his head. "_Just wait a little bit_."

"_Can we beat them with a shoe?_" Asked Scott._  
_  
Gilbert shook his head. "_Not 'til we're done the tune_."

"_Can we mutilate these fools?_" Asked Matthew.

Gilbert shook his head. "_No! Follow the rules_."

"_I say we attack!_" Said Feliciano.

Gilbert stared at Feliciano. "_What are you on? Crack?  
After our dance we'll attack our old friends  
But before we do that, let's Necranomicon again_."

The demons cheered again. "_First we jump  
Then we sit down  
Then we get back up  
And lasso all around  
Then we spin  
Clap our hands  
Then take a big moment to acknowledge the band  
Do the robot  
And the sprinkler  
And finish it off with our best Henry Winkler._

_Deadite zombies like to get their freak on_  
_And when we get together they do the Necranomicon_

_Do the Necranomicon_

_Do the Necranomicon._"

"How the hell do we stop this horrible dance?" Asked Alfred. "I don't think I can take another bad Henry Winkler impersonation."

"I only read the first of the passages." Said Tino.

"Well let's finish it quick." Said Alfred.

Tino nodded and started to read the second passage. "Quanda nostraava AHHHHHHHH!" Tino fell to the ground, fake blood squirting out his back. On the table was Alfred's severed hand holding a dagger.

"Curse you hand" Cried Alfred. He crouched down next to Tino. "Tino! Tino! Don't die, I can't destroy this evil without you!"

"You can do it Alfred…" Gasped Tino. "It's time for you to stand and fight… It's time…" Tino went limp.

Alfred looked out into the audience and slowly stood up. "_It's time  
To fulfil my purpose  
In life  
We are born with a destiny  
It's time  
To accept my calling  
To go  
On a ravenous demon-killing spree  
It's time to finally take a stand  
Fight with my stump and my good hand  
Stop talking trash  
And kick some demon ass  
It is time._"

"_Oh, it's time, Ash, but not for what you think._" Sang Gilbert.

The other laughed and slowly stumbled over to Alfred "_It's time for you  
Al to die  
It's time for us  
Zombies to rise  
It's time for you  
To say goodbye  
It's time for  
Oh it's time  
Ooo ooo ooo._"

Alfred cleared his throat as he slowly walked to centre stage. "_It's time  
Time to hurt demon feelings  
Inside  
These here walls there can be only one_  
_It's time  
To increase demon bleeding  
Tonight  
You will die by the saw or the gun  
Time  
To harass  
Time  
To whoop some ass  
Time to kill  
Demons en mass  
Oh, it's time._"

The demons continued to sing. "_Time to fight  
Time to brawl  
Time to kill  
Time to maul  
Kick you square  
In the balls  
It's time to-oo rip you to ta-atters  
Time to-oo make your blood splatter  
Through the shed  
Join the evil dead  
It is time._"

Alfred looked out into the audience as the demons surrounded him. "_You know that I'm right  
I'm not dying tonight  
It's a holiday  
When I'm in despair  
I adjust my hair  
And make evil pay  
At the edge of the night  
There's not a Deadite  
I can't handle_."

"_Handle._"

"_When danger calls  
You must have the balls  
Of an ox or a bear or any large mammal_."

"_Any large mammal  
Yeah!  
It's time for you Al to die_."

"_Is that so?_"_  
_

"_It's time for us zombies to rise._"

"_I sing no-o._"

"_It's time for you to say goodbye._"

"_Alright let's go-o._"

"_It's time for  
Oh  
It's time._"

Alfred shot one of the demons while slicing another with his chainsaw. It was a small battle filled with fake blood and overly dramatic deaths from the demons as the fell off the stage and were throw out the window by the American. It was amazingly gory, but eventually Alfred rained victorious. But his vioctory was short lived when the demons got up again and dragged themselves towards Alfred.

"What?" Cried Alfred in shock. "What?! No! No, it can't be! You're coming back to life. No. I killed you. I killed you all! You're dead!"

The demons laughed and started to sing in unison as they dragged themselves towards Alfred. "_You must realize  
We will never die  
We're already dead  
We've died twice before  
But we're back for more  
You can't stop the dead._

_You can't kill the kill_  
_And you can't pass on the pass_  
_Now we'll take that chainsaw_  
_And we'll shove it up your-_"

"Alfred!" Cried Tino.

Alfred quickly dodged the demons as he ran to Tino's side. "Tino! You've come back to life! Seems to be happening a lot around here… Quick Tino, read the rest of the passage and send these demons back to hell!"

Tino looked over the pages and with his dying breath read the last of the words. "Canda nefrata Kamanda!" The lights started to flash as the demons screamed, being pulled back by an invisible force back to hell. The lights went out. A woman's voice started to speak.

"So with his dying breath, Tino read the passages, sent the Canderian demons back to hell and finally Alfred and Tino were able to put a stop to this unspeakable evil…"

A few moments later the lights came back on and Alfred was standing in the middle of S-mart. He no longer had the chainsaw attached to his arm, but he was still missing his hand. He was surrounded by S-mart customers and the janitor.

Alfred grinned triumphantly. "And that, loyal S-mart customers is how I saved all of mankind."

A man with red hair walked up to Alfred. "Wait a minute, wait a minute… you mean to tell me that after saving all of mankind you came directly back here to work at S-mart?"

Alfred rolled his eyes. "No I didn't come directly back here to work at S-mart… There was a brief period where I was sent back to medieval times, and the people there worshiped me as their king… But that's another story."

A man with long blond hair tied back in a ponytail frowned a little. "Wait… if Tino died while reciting the passages, how do you know he said all the words to dispel all the evil correctly?"

"Well maybe he didn't say every single tiny syllable." Said Alfred. "But basically he said them… Basically."

An albino man chuckled a little. "Wow, Alfred… That story is… That story is um… The biggest crock of shit I have ever heard in my life."

As everyone laughed the red hair smirked. "Okay everyone, let's forget about this bullshit story and go back to all those great prices." Everyone chuckled and nodded in agreement. A small blond with thick eyebrows walked over to Alfred while everyone else had turned away.

"Hey…" He said. "You know that story you told, about killing demons and stuff? I um… thought it was pretty cool."

Alfred smiled a little. "Really?"

Suddenly a man with crazy blond hair that stuck up everywhere turned around. He had zombie makeup on his face. "_Look whose evil now!_" This caused everyone to scream and panic, but Alfred knew just what to do. He grabbed a gun and pointed it at the demon.

"Sir. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store." Said Alfred darkly.

The demon just smirked. "Who the hell are you?"

"Name's Alfred, housewares."

The demon laughed. "I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!"

Alfred rolled his eyes and started shooting at the demon. This made said demon jump and cry out in shock before turning and running off stage. Alfred quickly followed and shot it again. Everyone was too shocked to speak. "So, do you screw-heads believe I can save you from Candarian demons now?" Asked Alfred.

Music started up again and the albino looked at Alfred in shock. "_Well we thought you were fucking with us_."

"_We thought you were a lying prick._" Sang the red head.

"_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah._" Sang the man with long blond hair.

"_All that jive about you killing demons._" Sang a small brunet.

"_It just sounded like, uh, bullshit_." Sang the long haired blond.

"_But apparently you weren't talking smack_." Sang the albino.

"_Cause we saw that evil guy._" Sang the short haired blond.

"_He was going to eat us!_" Cried a blond with a hair curl.

The red head nodded. "_Axe us up and then beat us._"

"_'Til you shot him in the tits_." Sang the albino.

"_That's right you saved us_!" Cried the red head

The customers all nodded in agreement. "_You saved our li-ives  
You saved us all_."

The red head patted Alfred on the back. "_You're the baddest motherfucker in this whole strip mall_."

All the customers started to sing again. "_We thought you were a phony  
On some anti-hero  
But now we see that you're a hero  
And you saved the day  
Because you blew that bitch away._"

Alfred grinned. "_Well I told you I could kill these demons  
And none of you believed me._"

"_No, no, no. Yeah!_"

"_That's why you're merely customers  
While I'm the S-Mart employee_." Sang Alfred.

"_Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah!_"

"_Cause I'll kill what looks even slightly evil  
Who knows who the next victim will be?_"

"_Not me!_"

"_Cause I shoot_."

"_Shoot!_"

"_And kill_."

"_Kill!_"

"_And saw._"

"_Until!_"

"_We need a clean-up on aisle three._"

"_You are the ma-an_."

"_I bitch slap evil with my one good hand_."

"_You're our hero._"

"_I shot down Deities like they owe me dough_."

"_Ooo-ooo_."

"_I saw that demon try to ruin your shopping day_."

"_Shopping day_."

"_So I grabbed my twelve gage and I blew him away._"

"_Blew that bitch away_."

The red head smirked. "_That's right you blew._"

"_Blew that bitch away._"

"_Blew that bitch away-ay._"

"_Blew that bitch away_."

"_You blew her through speed a rite._"

"_Blew that bitch away_."

"_You blew her like I draw team._"

"_Blew that bitch away_." Sang the customers. "_We used to hate you and your lying' ways_. _But now we changed our minds and see you're okay  
Because you blew that bitch away-ay_  
_  
Blew that bitch away!  
_  
_Yeah!_"

They struck a pose and the lights went out. When the lights came back on everyone took their bows and the curtain closed. The Evil Dead musical had come to an end… and most likely Elizaveta's directing career.

**The End**

**Shinigami-cat: **Hope you all liked this and please read my other stories. Please review


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